A brilliant complaint to the Police (Barrel-Dregs 268), serious but very funny.

By | December 11, 2013


 Allegedly a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police

 Subject: Police Complaint-

From an  angry member of the public A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written..


Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone

I  have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your  colleagues in Bodmin,

by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija  board.

As I’m writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical  experiments (I think you call them youths)

in St Mary’s Crescent ,  which is just off St Mary’s Road in Bodmin.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! Which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon. The remaining five failed- abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills. I fear that it’s only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I’ve just finished decorating the kitchen. What I suggest is this – after replying to this e-mai l with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like. I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you’ll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me. I remain your obedient servant



Mr …….. I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police. As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable. Regards PC ??????? Community Beat Officer .


response from angry member of the public


Dear PC……..

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.


Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills?


In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary’s  Crescent , I have never seen you.

Do you hide up a tree or have you  gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself?

Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one 20with a chin like a wash hand basin?


It’s surely only a matter of time before you   are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Al Qaeda trainees.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin,

such as smoking  in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park

are both within spitting distance as is the  bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.


Should you wish to discuss these matters  further you should feel free to contact me on .

If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I’ll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub. Regards ?????????


P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don’t work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact

Note:-Ironically many years ago I was driving across Bodmin Moor at around 11.00 pm on Good Friday night, when the minibus in front hit a horse and a lorry, causing a very messy accident, with one driver involved collapsing with a heart attack and subsequently died. My companion phoned the police and we eventually got a doctor and an ambulance.

The one Policeman that actually arrived, said he was the only one on duty in Bodmin and could we stay and help sort the mess out, which we did, taking around two to three hours, it appears that nothing has changed over the years.

After that fatal accident they fenced the moor.


The views expressed are not necessarily the editors and www.buyingapub.com accepts no responsibility for them, we do try to avoid offensive or litigious statements being made. They are written by concerned professionals in the industry who feel that these issues should be raised to ensure that all licensees are made fully aware of many hidden pitfalls.



One thought on “A brilliant complaint to the Police (Barrel-Dregs 268), serious but very funny.

  1. alan walters

    Dear Editor
    Its the time of the year when theirs good cheer and on Saturday night in my pub The Crown in Aldbourne we had one of our regular open mic sessions. When a local ukulele band did a turn of singing and playing some Christmas song and carols and finished with a song written by the players and dedicated to me.
    But I believe this song (prayer) should be dedicated to all good bar and pub owner / mangers.
    BARTENDER’s Prayer:
    Bottles of red, bottles of white,
    Barrels of brown and glasses so bright,
    Keep the night peaceful and drinkers polite,
    Don’t let a fight break out tonight.

    Let the men drink til the girls look divine,
    Make us all laugh, so we have a good time.
    Keep drug dealers out, we don’t need them around.
    Were happy enough here at The Crown!

    Let beer flow steady and wine pour out fast.
    Make the cider fizz lightly, make cocktails last.
    Drink what you like, by the pint or the gallon.
    But please don’t make any more trouble for Alan


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